Something Old, Something New

Is this what love feels like?

Not the romantic kind of love where everything is grounded on mutual everything – give and take. Rather, the kind of love that makes you want to give up everything to that one person and not expect anything in return, the kind of love that you see in those sad movies that makes you ugly-cry just because the lead actor is a pretty stupid martyr giving up his chance at true love (the romantic kind) by giving away his true love to another guy, the kind of love that just fucking hurts because you can’t do anything about it but you still push, push because you love that person that much.

Maybe this is what Jesus felt when he still walked the earth.

These past few days, my best friend and I started hanging out – just the two of us. She first asked me to go with her last Monday to accompany her on her enrollment. She asked me if I could accompany her again the day after that ’cause she needed to go to another school to inquire about school-related things. I said yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I?

Then we hanged out again awhile ago ’cause I needed someone to go with me to do some errands.

I think we needed this day. She had to let go some of the frustrations she was feeling, and I too had my own frustration and stories to tell her. Only her.

She’s a breath of fresh air to me. I can freely open my filter and just let everything spill. 

I’ve never had a sister – it was always just my brother and I in my family. Sometimes it just feels like I’m an only child since  my brother and I have a huge ten-year difference and I don’t really remember much of my childhood when he and I would play together (did we ever?).

A lot of people have been thinking that she and I are siblings. Not that I have a problem about it. Although I sometimes pretend that I’m annoyed by it, I do in fact secretly like it when people tell us that we look alike.

There’s no doubt that I would be a very proud twin/sister, if I were related to her.

I love her – in a way that I would lay down everything for her. I wouldn’t shield her from the world. No. I would rather let her see the  ugly world than let her cling on to false hope. Maybe that’s why I’m never nice to her. Yes, I tell her ‘good luck’ and ‘you can do it’ but when it comes to making decisions, I try my hardest to make her see both sides. I once said to her to stop being so negative about (something) ’cause that’s my job. It’s my job to be the ‘bad guy’ in the situation so she could see that not everything is all butterflies and cookies and unicorns puking rainbows.

Not everything is so fucking sweet.

When I first told her that I might be leaving (via facebook lmao), she told me she cried. Hard. I was secretly laughing though ’cause she never cries, at least I don’t think so. She never admits her weakness. To be honest, I’m not the type of person that hates seeing people cry. I actually like it – glad to know they’re human. I just hate the comforting part ’cause I never know what to do. But when she told me she cried, I didn’t tell her that ‘everything is going to be okay’ because fuck you, it’s not. It’s never going to be okay. But she understood. I’m glad she understood. So I told her the truth.

I can never lie to her.

You know the type of love that transcends love itself? To be honest, I don’t quite know what that is and how it feels like but I would guess that this must be it.

I’m not in-love with her because god that would be so totally freaky. And gross. Yuck. But I love her, in a way that a sister might love her mother, in a way that a mother might love her daughter, in a way that Hachiko the dog loves his owner.

She’s my best friend and I would do anything and everything to make her happy. I would do anything and everything to keep her safe.

She’s my best friend but sometimes I feel like she’s my sister. More than my sister to be honest. It’s like she’s my other half – but not in that freaky sci-fi telepathy twins-whatever way, no. She’s my other half in a way that my life would feel incomplete if she’s not here. Not here, physically. More of here, spiritually, if one were to believe in spirits.

I believe in soulmates.

I believe that soulmates exists not only between lovers but also between friends.

If so, then she is definitely, defintely my soulmate.

I’m not sure if most of you can understand.


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