“Magsasama-sama tayo dahil sa’yo.”
You know how fathers always kiss their daughter’s forehead in movies? I always imagined how that would feel. The proud lips of your father kissing your forehead in thanks about something you did – something that made them feel that they really deserve you as their daughter, that you met their expectations. Heck, even surpassed it. Watching that scene always made me wonder how it would feel like if my father kissed me on my forehead. Will it be because I graduated with Latin Honors? Or perhaps it will be because I made him something special, something that he really loves?
Okay I’m cutting the crap and getting straight to the point.
I hate how I can never say no to what my father asks me to do. I hate how I’m always expected to do the ‘right’ thing. I hate how I’m the youngest in this family. Hindi ba pwede na ako na lang ang nasa pwesto ni Kuya? Okay sige fine nabuntis niya ang girlfriend niya. Okay sige fine hindi gaano kaganda ang kaniyang grades (sa ngayon, wala akong pakialam kung nagmumukhang mayabang ako as compared to my brother). Okay sige fine palagi siyang pinapagalitan ni Mama dahil palaging mali ang ginagawa niya (in the eyes of my mother anyway). Pero mas gugustuhin ko ‘yung ganoon kesa sa hinihingi ng Tatay ko para sa akin.
I know how I always answer opinionated questions with ‘I don’t know/ Ewan.’ Or, when asked with a yes or no question, answer ‘It’s okay/ Ayos lang.’ But that doesn’t give people permission to abuse that fact.
Today, my father finally got my birth certificate. He said that once he goes back, he will already file it. Pero hindi ‘yun yung problema ‘dun eh. Kung kelan aalis na siya, ‘dun niya sinabi ‘yung magiging problema kapag naaprubahan: Paano kung hindi pumayag si Mama sa desisyon na ginawa ni Papa? Tutuloy pa ba ako roon o susundin ko ang ginugusto ni Mama at dito lang ako, ipagpapatuloy ang kung ano man ang ginagawa ko dito?
I have nothing against ultimatums pero putang ina lang. Tama bang ipapili ako between my mother and my father? Syempre kapag tinanong sa akin kung sino ang mas gusto ko sasagutin ko ‘Ang Nanay ko’ dahil mas matagal ko siyang nakasama. Pero iba ito eh. Ibang-iba. Kung sino man ang piliin ko, for sure na iisa lang ang kalalabasan niyan: hindi siya matutuwa sa desisyon na pipiliin ko.
And you know what’s more annoying? The fact that my father asked me the ‘what if’ question and semi-imposed his idea on me, stating is ‘agenda’. Kung sasagutin mo rin naman pala ‘yung tanong mo sa akin edi sana hindi mo na lang sa akin tinanong diba? Sana hindi mo na lang ako pina-asa na pwede ko pa palang pag-isipan ang sagot ko.
My father told me something I never knew about my mother’s family. Makes me wonder if that kind of thinking runs in the family. If it does, I hope my brother doesn’t follow in their footstep.
One thing for sure, if it weren’t for my mother, I wouldn’t be here where I am right now. Literally.
Thank you, Ma. Kung hindi dahil sa iyo, naroon na siguro ako. Maraming Salamat. I know I haven’t told you how much I love you since I was, what? Pre-school? Pero alam mo naman ‘yan. Na para sa’yo ang lahat ng ginagawa kong ito. I won’t disappoint you. But I won’t disappoint papa either.
Suddenly, all those movies and books about forfeiting their most precious possession seem to make sense. Ayoko na. Ayoko na talaga.